Some of the lessons Amy and I have learned in our short marriage may sound like fortune cookie wisdom, but they have served us well.

Be each other’s best friend.

This doesn’t mean we are each other’s only friend. Maintaining healthy friendships outside of marriage gives perspective that can be lost if you and your spouse become isolated. That being said, Amy is my confidant, the one with whom I share my dreams, the one who gets my jokes.

Surround yourself with those that have healthy, happy marriages.

Amy and I have been “collecting” married couples since we began dating. We try to find those couples that embody that Christ and His church relationship—couples that love each other more fiercely the longer they are with each other. This reminds us that the typical sitcom marriage is not truth, that marriage is not a slow torture, that apathy and disconnectedness are not inevitable. Instead, peace, adventure, and joy hallmark our relationship.

Your spouse cannot read your mind.

No matter how perfectly suited you are to each other; no matter how easily you complete each other’s sentences; no matter how empathetic and intuitive the two of you are, your spouse does not know what you are thinking until it is communicated. You must use words.

Speak kindly to your spouse.

Avoid sarcasm at all costs. The word sarcasm means “to tear flesh” in Greek. We can do so much damage with our words. Speak loving truth. Do not hide behind passive aggression, which is what sarcasm actually is. Also, never use the word “divorce” not even jokingly. Remember, Satan condemns, but Christ convicts!

Speak kindly about your spouse.

When we get together with our buddies, there seems to be a cultural prerogative to vent our frustrations about our significant other or join our friends in whining about the spouse. Do not engage in this. Honor your spouse, always.

Think kindly about your spouse.

“Take captive every thought…” Make it a point to agree with God about your spouse. He made your spouse in His image. God loves them. Do not make agreements with the Accuser. Ask God to help you investigate negative thoughts to determine from where the frustration is coming. We are especially susceptible to negative thoughts during arguments. If you are mad at your spouse, and your mind begins conjuring negative thoughts that begin with “My wife ALWAYS…” or “My husband NEVER…”, this is likely an attack from the Accuser. Pray against making agreements with the Enemy.

Have a long line perspective.

If and when your marriage enters times of trial and tribulation, remember that Christ already exists in a time and place where peace again exists in your marriage. Our time on Earth is but a single heartbeat in a life much longer than Methuselah lived. That trial that you are experiencing is but a heartbeat in the life of that heartbeat.

Marriage counseling is not for when you have problems.

Find a small group at your church, read books about Christian marriage, seek the counsel of those couples that embody Christ and His church. Love is active, not passive. Marriage requires effort. So many truths can be discovered and lies uncovered by engaging in counseling. I feel like there are so many trials that Amy and I were able to step over simply by working through a Christian marriage book with other couples from our church.

Heavenly joy, not worldly happiness, will be the mark of your relationship.

Joy is long term. Happiness fades. You will have much happiness in your marriage, but joy is the promise that things will always be good again, even though they may not be at that moment. Happiness is dashed by sickness and poverty, but they have no effect on God’s joy. For in sickness and poverty, joy and hope sustain.

When you forget what Love is, read 1st Corinthians 13.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

When you forget what your role as husband/wife is, read Ephesians 5:22.

Wives are asked to submit to their husbands, which sounds so sexist in our modern world. But, husbands are asked to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her. This means, husbands are asked for the ultimate submission, for Christ died for his church that they might be saved.